I'm a complex person. For the majority of my life i was an angry person, but recently something happened to me that made me wanna change. I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away. It made me realize something that i have denied since i was 10. I'm a lonely person. As much as i love my solitude, having someone else around to talk to is what i really want. A few days after this happened i attended a party at a friends house and there was an individual there i hadn't talked to in over 3 months. In most cases i would have avoided this person because i didn't know what to say to her, but as the night went on i slowly found myself feeling slightly worse about why i hadn't talked to her for 3 months. When i went home that night i couldn't think straight, my whole way of life was being brought into question. What if being the person i've been for the last 7 years has been wrong? I talked to someone the next day about what i was feeling and what i should do. Miss S as i will refer to her pretty much told me this. "You have friends and people who care about, weither you choose to accept it or not". That struck me deep. Weither i choose to accept it or not? i kind of vowed to myself that night that i had to change, no matter how much i wanted to be the old me, i knew that deep down inside there was someone who had only seen the light of day a few times.
After this vow i ventured outside for my usual walk around my neighbourhood, but something had changed. I stopped in front of the park and looked up at the stars, and for once in my life i saw something that i'd never seen before. The beauty of the night. I stared for at least 5 minutes, and then i looked at the park again. I looked at my ipod at turned it off and i just stood. The time i wanted music to express how i felt, there wasn't a song in the world that could have done it. And then everything kind of became clear to me, and i knew the answer to my question. It's called Akhams Razor (don't know if i'm spelling this right). It means that the simplest most obvious answer is the right one. From that point on i knew what had to be done. Although some of the things i've done in the past years can't be fixed, i can try to start over as someone i've wanted to be for a long long time.......
J-Moose
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I'm a lonely person, too. My family life is not great and I'm the calmest, easiest kid. Which makes me the one to get shoved to the sidelines. To make way for the others' problems and issues. I am the calm, composed one.
I grew up as an introvert. I have friends, but they are mostly there to help me have fun, give me some good times and good conversation. I don't have people I can turn to, in that way. Oh, I could turn to them if I wanted. They would be there for me. But it isn't who I am. Does that make sense? I grew up in such a way that I thought it was lame or whatever to need a shoulder to lean on and now I'm stuck in a corner because my nature won't let me do anything else. Sometimes I wonder if my friends even know who the hell I am, because I hardly ever let them in. Enough of this and you can be surrounded by people who love you and still be lonely, even if you love them back. Maybe that's what your friend meant by "whether you accept it or not." But even if you accept it, you can be the loneliest person on earth.
Good luck in your quest to change, JH. I'll be interested to see how it turns out. :)
Post a Comment