I'm writing this as a continuation of the blog I posted last night.
Why do we cry? There's something tugging at my heart strings right now, thats making my eyes tear up, and I don't know why. To be honest, I actually do cry from time to time, mainly because it keeps me sane. Usually when I feel down I just sit in my room and I cry. It used to be that when we're kids we cry because we see something sad in a movie, we cut our knee, or we did something bad and we were being reprimanded for it. Now, as we grow older, we cry because we realize that the stupid things we did as kids prepared us for the stupid things we'll do as teenagers, and the stupid things we'll do as adults. There it goes, the first tear has left my eye and dripped down onto the keyboard, yet it feels weird. I'm happy, but i'm sad. I'm warm, yet cold. This feeling is something strange to me, something that i've never experienced. Maybe it's because i've finally come full circle and let go of my old life, maybe its because I don't want to accept my new life, or maybe its because I just want to find a new life with a new identity, and start the rat race all over again.
The third tear. It's kind of tickling my face as it streaks down, but i'm not going to wipe it away. Its officially sunday, so good morning to anyone who will read this. If your just joining me, i'm writing about how I feel.
Somedays I wonder what life for everyone around me would be like if I died at my current age. I'm sure i'd be missed, but something tells me that I there would only be a few people who would truly be able to say I affected them in some way. Only a few people would miss me. I know its a terrible way to think, but from my perspective its the only way. I have 3 people that I know i can call best friends, and out of those 3 I feel there is only one that I can be truly open with if i really wanted to be. I'm tearing up again. My literary studies teacher always tells us that he doesn't have a lot of friends and with the ones that he does have, he categorizes them from A-C. The A list, is comprised of his closest companions, the ones he'll see more the most. The B list is comprised of those he sees only when the mood strikes him or if something comes up that he knows a B lister will enjoy he calls them up. The C list is comprised of everyone he prefers not to fraternize with, mainly because he doesn't want to become better friends with them. I found this to be a unique way of thinking and tried this list with my own set of friends, with a few exceptions. My A list is comprised of people whom I trust above all others and possibly people I will see outside of school. My B list will include those could one day become a listers, but to be truthful there's only of them i'd consider for A list friend. This is because she's a good person with a great personality, I just have to talk to her a bit more and accept her invitation to come to her youth group. Finally my C list would be composed of everyone else, work friends, and people I see on one time occasions. So here it is, and this time i'm actually going to say the names and not use that Mr. or Mrs. crap. I'm actually going to say the names.
A: Giacomo, Felicia, Kristina.
Borderline A/B: Jenae
B: Meghan Sarah, Helena, Flaviu, Michelle, Kyle, Erik, Natasha, Katherine, Ryan.
C: Work People, Tyler, Nick.
So there it is. I can't believe i'm actually posting this for people to see, but I know that it'll make me feel a lot better once people read it. I know only a few people have checked this page out, so really i'm not too worried about offending anyone. Actually, at least one person from each list reads this page, so i'm kind of intrigued to get a reaction. I think thats all I have for now, so i'm gonna head to bed. Later
J-Moose
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
The Truth Behind Brown Eyes
Something that i've found interesting with my life is the fact that it's never been too dull as to where i'd be bored with who i am, but it's never been to exciting to the point where it all becomes too repetitive. At the current time, having some form of change in my life would be pretty nice. I'm kinda bored with everything around me. It's pretty much the same routine every day. Wake up, go to school, go through 3 classes of which only two i like, come home, do homework, go to work, put away toys, come home, do more homework, go to bed. Of course there's eating and bathing within that, but i didn't feel they were necessary to add.
For all it's worth, i can't figure why i feel so bored. Usually it's because i hate something thats happening to me, or i've done something that i know i'll regret for the rest of my life, but this is something new. I think when i decided to change who i was, i changed the wrong part of me. No, i'm not going to go back to being completely ignorant of other peoples feelings and completely ignore everyone around me, i just don't think its fair to go on keeping that part of me locked away. That part of me is the part that wants to leave my hometown. No i'm going to go as soon i'm done writing this, but the idea is intriguing,
For as long as i can remember, i've never felt that i belong. In elementary school, I kept to myself, maybe had one or two people i'd call friends, but as the years went by, i was usually known as the loner. Within that time period of being the loner, I had quite a few self revaltions. For starters, most people will never realize that there's something good in front of them, until it's gone. I can't count the number of times something good has come into my life and i've just let slip away. I've also seen people i know (friends, work associates, and just people i've had one time encounters with) allow this to happen to them. They would be dealing with relationship problems, family issues, having fights with their best friends, and i'd just watch them destroy something good, because I never had the courage to speak up. Another realization was that no matter how much i wanted to change my past, i couldn't. To this day i've always had this fascination with going back and changing all the bad things i've ever done. Sometimes i'd even pray to God and ask why i would do things that hurt people, and i'd hate him because i never got a response. But when I looked at the big picture i realized that i hadn't been looking hard enough for his answers to my prayers. Some of the most simple things in life answer our personal questions, and people will never realize this.
The final realization i had, was that friendship is, as bad as this sounds, not the most important thing. I'm not putting down my friends in any way by saying this, but for what its worth, i've always felt that if was going to accomplish anything with my life, I need to be on my own. Believe me, I love all of you in many different ways, and i'm actually tearing up while writing this. For me to say that friendship didn't help me grow, would be wrong, but in many ways its the truth. Ever since I had my most recent revaltion (quite a few blogs back if you wanna go read it), i felt that the friendships i have, or at least a few of them, have lost their initial appeal. I think i know what has to be done. After i complete my "extra lap" in highschool, which would be next year, since i haven't graduated yet, i'm going to work full time, earn a little cash, and then go see the world. Maybe backpacking through europe, or something like that, but i have to know that there's somewhere else out there i can call my home. I'm opening this to any of my friends who are interested. If you want to discover something about yourself, the world, and learn about where you fit in, join me. I don't judge, i don't criticize....
J-Moose
For all it's worth, i can't figure why i feel so bored. Usually it's because i hate something thats happening to me, or i've done something that i know i'll regret for the rest of my life, but this is something new. I think when i decided to change who i was, i changed the wrong part of me. No, i'm not going to go back to being completely ignorant of other peoples feelings and completely ignore everyone around me, i just don't think its fair to go on keeping that part of me locked away. That part of me is the part that wants to leave my hometown. No i'm going to go as soon i'm done writing this, but the idea is intriguing,
For as long as i can remember, i've never felt that i belong. In elementary school, I kept to myself, maybe had one or two people i'd call friends, but as the years went by, i was usually known as the loner. Within that time period of being the loner, I had quite a few self revaltions. For starters, most people will never realize that there's something good in front of them, until it's gone. I can't count the number of times something good has come into my life and i've just let slip away. I've also seen people i know (friends, work associates, and just people i've had one time encounters with) allow this to happen to them. They would be dealing with relationship problems, family issues, having fights with their best friends, and i'd just watch them destroy something good, because I never had the courage to speak up. Another realization was that no matter how much i wanted to change my past, i couldn't. To this day i've always had this fascination with going back and changing all the bad things i've ever done. Sometimes i'd even pray to God and ask why i would do things that hurt people, and i'd hate him because i never got a response. But when I looked at the big picture i realized that i hadn't been looking hard enough for his answers to my prayers. Some of the most simple things in life answer our personal questions, and people will never realize this.
The final realization i had, was that friendship is, as bad as this sounds, not the most important thing. I'm not putting down my friends in any way by saying this, but for what its worth, i've always felt that if was going to accomplish anything with my life, I need to be on my own. Believe me, I love all of you in many different ways, and i'm actually tearing up while writing this. For me to say that friendship didn't help me grow, would be wrong, but in many ways its the truth. Ever since I had my most recent revaltion (quite a few blogs back if you wanna go read it), i felt that the friendships i have, or at least a few of them, have lost their initial appeal. I think i know what has to be done. After i complete my "extra lap" in highschool, which would be next year, since i haven't graduated yet, i'm going to work full time, earn a little cash, and then go see the world. Maybe backpacking through europe, or something like that, but i have to know that there's somewhere else out there i can call my home. I'm opening this to any of my friends who are interested. If you want to discover something about yourself, the world, and learn about where you fit in, join me. I don't judge, i don't criticize....
J-Moose
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Creativity Isn't One of My Finer Aspects
I'd like to begin by stating that coming up with something new to write about every other day is hard. So please, don't be expect too much in terms of me going deep into my emotions. Then again, everytime i write with the intention of not being deep, it turns out that way, so lets see where the night takes me.
Omg, something just happened that was totally random. A friend, who i've recently started talking to alot more, left me this random message on facebook. I of course had no idea what she meant, so it was natural to ask her. She told me that someone left her a message in the honesty box on facebook. I won't rely the message on here, but know that the person who did leave it was quite forward with their feelings, and didn't hesitate to tell her. Sucks that they didn't say who they were, mainly because i think this girl is a great person who deserves a great guy. But to each their own i guess. I feel bad for her because she's a very beautiful young lady, and i hope she finds someone soon. If you guys think that because i'm complimenting her like this means i have some feelings for her, i wouldn't say your wrong, but i wouldn't say your right either.
Ok moving on, i'm kind of in a dilema at the moment. No its not relationship problems if thats what you people are thinking. I do have other issues. The problem at hand is a presentation i have to do on tuesday. I'm actually excited to do it, because its on my altime favourite musician Matthew Good. Your probably thinking that if its on something i like, there shouldn't be a problem, but there is. The creative aspect of the project. I'm not creative at all, and i need to figure out what i'm gonna do for it. I had one idea, which was me learning one of his songs and then performing it for the class. I pitched it too the teacher and he really wasn't that thrilled. So there's one idea down the drain. Then i thought, what about making a music video for one of his songs. Problem being, i'd need people to help me, an idea for a video, and a song that i'd want to see made into a video.
Another issue with that would be, I have too many matt good song's i'd want to make into videos. Suburbia my all time favourite song is one where i know i could shine creatively. Rico could be something funny. Near fantastica has some potential but its way too long, over 8 minutes. Which would mean i'd have to come up with 8 minutes of video. Not happening. Another cool one would be Middle Class Gangster, which i seem to be listening to a lot of lately. I'm trying to stay away from Matt's solo career since i'm focusing on Matt Good Band for the presentation. Any ways i think i'm gonna get back to doing some homework, but i'll be around to check comments.
J-Moose
Omg, something just happened that was totally random. A friend, who i've recently started talking to alot more, left me this random message on facebook. I of course had no idea what she meant, so it was natural to ask her. She told me that someone left her a message in the honesty box on facebook. I won't rely the message on here, but know that the person who did leave it was quite forward with their feelings, and didn't hesitate to tell her. Sucks that they didn't say who they were, mainly because i think this girl is a great person who deserves a great guy. But to each their own i guess. I feel bad for her because she's a very beautiful young lady, and i hope she finds someone soon. If you guys think that because i'm complimenting her like this means i have some feelings for her, i wouldn't say your wrong, but i wouldn't say your right either.
Ok moving on, i'm kind of in a dilema at the moment. No its not relationship problems if thats what you people are thinking. I do have other issues. The problem at hand is a presentation i have to do on tuesday. I'm actually excited to do it, because its on my altime favourite musician Matthew Good. Your probably thinking that if its on something i like, there shouldn't be a problem, but there is. The creative aspect of the project. I'm not creative at all, and i need to figure out what i'm gonna do for it. I had one idea, which was me learning one of his songs and then performing it for the class. I pitched it too the teacher and he really wasn't that thrilled. So there's one idea down the drain. Then i thought, what about making a music video for one of his songs. Problem being, i'd need people to help me, an idea for a video, and a song that i'd want to see made into a video.
Another issue with that would be, I have too many matt good song's i'd want to make into videos. Suburbia my all time favourite song is one where i know i could shine creatively. Rico could be something funny. Near fantastica has some potential but its way too long, over 8 minutes. Which would mean i'd have to come up with 8 minutes of video. Not happening. Another cool one would be Middle Class Gangster, which i seem to be listening to a lot of lately. I'm trying to stay away from Matt's solo career since i'm focusing on Matt Good Band for the presentation. Any ways i think i'm gonna get back to doing some homework, but i'll be around to check comments.
J-Moose
I Almost Didn't Have A Title
So there's an album (lo-fi B-sdies) by my favourite artist of all time, that is unfortunately not in print anymore. The artist, matthew good had this to say on trying to find one of the 5000 copies that were released:
Matt's Methods Of Getting A Copy Of This Album Are:
a) Try looking in some used record stores. You never know what you'll find.
b) You can try to buy it from someone on the internet but it'll probably cost a lot.
c) Go get the Edgefest 99 CD and buy Beautiful Midnight. That way you'll have Fated and Born To Kill and will only be missing our cover of Enjoy The Silence.
d) Home invasions.
e) Walk through the streets naked with 'LO-FI-B-SIDES' written on your chest and see who responds.
f) Try calling Dave Porter at Universal Music in Toronto and ask him. It was their idea in the first place. He might even do your laundry if you ask him nicely enough. Hell, he does mine when I'm in town.
g) Start a political party whose only agenda is to have it put back into production.
h) Find a girl or guy who has it, woo them, pretend to fall in love with them, steal the CD, and dump them flat.
i) Walk into reception at the Universal Music's head office with a machine gun and start screaming demands. That way you'll probably get a whole whack of other free shit as well. (Such as the Rammstein Live video!)
j) That's pretty much all I could come up with.
This made me laugh for a few minutes.
Matt's Methods Of Getting A Copy Of This Album Are:
a) Try looking in some used record stores. You never know what you'll find.
b) You can try to buy it from someone on the internet but it'll probably cost a lot.
c) Go get the Edgefest 99 CD and buy Beautiful Midnight. That way you'll have Fated and Born To Kill and will only be missing our cover of Enjoy The Silence.
d) Home invasions.
e) Walk through the streets naked with 'LO-FI-B-SIDES' written on your chest and see who responds.
f) Try calling Dave Porter at Universal Music in Toronto and ask him. It was their idea in the first place. He might even do your laundry if you ask him nicely enough. Hell, he does mine when I'm in town.
g) Start a political party whose only agenda is to have it put back into production.
h) Find a girl or guy who has it, woo them, pretend to fall in love with them, steal the CD, and dump them flat.
i) Walk into reception at the Universal Music's head office with a machine gun and start screaming demands. That way you'll probably get a whole whack of other free shit as well. (Such as the Rammstein Live video!)
j) That's pretty much all I could come up with.
This made me laugh for a few minutes.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Middle Class Gangster
Where in the world would i be without my music? I honestly can't remember the last time i wasn't able to solve a problem by listening to music. Tonight for example i've just been listening to a lot of soft music, and or something that gets hard during the chorus. I've also begun dabbling in this band called explosions in the sky. A fellow blogger told me about them, and i've gotta admit, their pretty good. No vocals, just band. It's pretty awesome. For some strange reason though, i haven't been able to get this one song by matthew good band out of my head. It's called Middle Class Gangsters, and its just this soft little diddy. Its pretty much about this guy who's not the norm for the world. No girlfriend, and gets beat up a bit. But for some reason, i feel totally compelled to sing along with this track. I figure i share the lyrics with you, since i don't know how to add background music. So here it is, enjoy:
"Middle Class Gangsters"
Ain't got no action grip
Don't come with a full compliment of weapons
Get off your illin tip
I don't recognize anybody from around here anymore
--
And I don't want to be your punching bag
Are we losing
are we Middle class gangsters
-
Wasn't looking at your girlfriend
Didn't touch your Mustang
When I was In the parking lot What don't you comprehend
Well I'll speak slowly if your on something
Or faster if your not
--
And I don't want to be your punching bag
Are we losing
Are we middle class gangsters
--
So put on British steel Curse today and
How you're feeling
Well everybody up and down my block
They used to matter when we used to rock
--
And I don't want to be your punching bag
Are we losing
Are we middle class gangsters
So What?
I don't care anymore. I feel pretty damn awesome today. Considering i've got tons of homework and an assignment i'm supposed to be working on right now, thats due next period (i come home on lunch to finish stuff up) and i'm not even close to being done editing it, yet i feel as though i don't have a care in the world. While i'm typing i've got 3 songs on repeat that i'm singing along to:
True Love Will Find You In The End: Matthew Good
The Living: Neverending White Lights ft. Corey Puerlmo
Christmas ( baby please come home) : U2
These 3 songs have this amazing effect on me, that makes me happier then usual. True love will find you in the end for example, is helping me realize that love will come to me when it finds me, not when i find it. It tells me that i don't have to worry, because true love is searching too, and that i just have to step out into the light to let it know i'm there. The living talks about how people will let the world pass them and wait their whole life before they let people in and feel truely happy and at peace. If i went up to someone in the halls at my school today and asked them if they take what they have for granted, their response would probably be "not a chance". But if they were to answer truthfully, they'd probably regret most of the things they've done. The living kind of makes me think like that. Christmas (baby please come home) is really just about wanting to spend the holidays with good people, and possibly make someone close to you feel pretty good. Well i was supposed to leave my house 10 minutes ago, so now i'm gonna be late for last period so later everyone......
J-Moose
True Love Will Find You In The End: Matthew Good
The Living: Neverending White Lights ft. Corey Puerlmo
Christmas ( baby please come home) : U2
These 3 songs have this amazing effect on me, that makes me happier then usual. True love will find you in the end for example, is helping me realize that love will come to me when it finds me, not when i find it. It tells me that i don't have to worry, because true love is searching too, and that i just have to step out into the light to let it know i'm there. The living talks about how people will let the world pass them and wait their whole life before they let people in and feel truely happy and at peace. If i went up to someone in the halls at my school today and asked them if they take what they have for granted, their response would probably be "not a chance". But if they were to answer truthfully, they'd probably regret most of the things they've done. The living kind of makes me think like that. Christmas (baby please come home) is really just about wanting to spend the holidays with good people, and possibly make someone close to you feel pretty good. Well i was supposed to leave my house 10 minutes ago, so now i'm gonna be late for last period so later everyone......
J-Moose
Monday, December 10, 2007
Stay True, We Believe In You
I just read something about true love that i'm never gonna forget. It's from a fellow blogger, and I've gotta say, i'm becoming quite interested in her blogs. I'm not gonna post a link for her page or tell you who it is, mainly because she wants to stay private, but if you guys ever find this person, read what she says and take it to heart. My heart actually sped up while i was reading it, and i've never had that happen before.
J-Moose
J-Moose
Where Do We Go?
If anyone was to ask me at age 10 what i wanted to be when i was older, i probably would have said video game designer. At age 15 I had planned on being a teacher. Now, at age 17 I have no idea where i want to go and what to expect out of life. If I was going to decide on a career I probably would want to go into the field of broadcasting, mainly because it's my dream one day to be a much music vj. I know, its a complete contradiction to my earlier blog stating how my goal in life is to be forgotten, but I am allowed to have more than one dream.
I have days lately where I feel like i'm wasting my time here in my hometown. In the back of my mind I know that there's somewhere else i should be, doing something that would either better the world or just the people around me. How many people can honestly say that they've never felt that they should be somewhere else? Everyone has these kinds of days, but to me these days are kind of a message from God. Religion, something i've choosen not to talk about on here, mainly because i'm currently unsure of what i believe in. There's things about the Catholic church i don't believe in, but then again, there's also tons of it that i do believe. Weird, how most kids who go to a catholic school are unsure of their faith, yet won't admit it.
I think I know what I have to do. I think i'm just gonna take one day over the christmas break and just go out and completely explore my hometown. Not by car, but by foot. In case most people don't know, I walk most places instead of driving (also because I don't have my G1) There's so much I want to see and do around town, but i feel like i've always been sheltered from it, by my own need to stay away from the world around me. I probably won't discover anything new about this place, or about myself from doing it, but it'll be interesting to do.
J-Moose
I have days lately where I feel like i'm wasting my time here in my hometown. In the back of my mind I know that there's somewhere else i should be, doing something that would either better the world or just the people around me. How many people can honestly say that they've never felt that they should be somewhere else? Everyone has these kinds of days, but to me these days are kind of a message from God. Religion, something i've choosen not to talk about on here, mainly because i'm currently unsure of what i believe in. There's things about the Catholic church i don't believe in, but then again, there's also tons of it that i do believe. Weird, how most kids who go to a catholic school are unsure of their faith, yet won't admit it.
I think I know what I have to do. I think i'm just gonna take one day over the christmas break and just go out and completely explore my hometown. Not by car, but by foot. In case most people don't know, I walk most places instead of driving (also because I don't have my G1) There's so much I want to see and do around town, but i feel like i've always been sheltered from it, by my own need to stay away from the world around me. I probably won't discover anything new about this place, or about myself from doing it, but it'll be interesting to do.
J-Moose
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