I've always found it odd when people make a statment saying "I realize that the person I used to be is not the one I wanted to be". Coming from my mouth it's even odder since I used to always promise myself that I wouldn't become someone I hated. It's funny though, because for a brief moment in time I found myself being happy. Yes, a word that never used to enter my vocabulary, yet for a time that word finally had a meaning behind it. No, I don't know what caused the change in myself for that time, but honestly speaking I wish I knew, because right now I could really use it.
People tell me that I don't do well with change. Usually it's not a personal change that worries me, but when something drastic happens i'm left to deal in my own way and as far back as I can remember it's always been difficult. For example, the start of highschool. I put on this front that made me look like I didn't care that I was somewhere new, that this place and these people didn't matter to me, because I didn't intend to make friends with any of them. You know why I did that? Because I was scarred shitless. I can usually keep my composure in most situations but at that point in time I wasn't ready to meet new people as I had only just met the people i'd known for 8 years for the very first time. Again, change and me don't bode, and that hasn't changed. I'm using the word change/changed a lot. I'll try to stop.
Anyways, the point is, within the next month I have to go through a big change. Graduation. Yes, if I pass all my courses i'll graduate highschool. You see once that happens, i'm going to be alone, and for me I don't think I can handle that again. Elementary school was hard enough being the loner, not that I didn't mind it some days, but highshool is a different ball park. The game changes when you go there. I don't have many friends to begin with, and lately I feel like i'm losing them already, and it's my own fault. I wish didn't have classes with them. I'm lazy when it comes to school. In every group project i've done with Felicia i've managed to screw her over and not come through. Always make me wonder why she still talks to me since i'm not even worth it. Why do people keep giving me chances? After one, I don't want anymore.
Then there's the grad dance. I'm still in the process of debating whether I want to go or not. It's stupid that i'm thinking like this, because I know i'm going to end up going, and i've told other people who are doubting going that they have to, and it wouldn't be the same without them. Most of you know I don't dance nor do I have any rhythm what soever, but if I go i'd just sit at the table all night and watch everyone else have a good time. And really, what's the point of going if i'm doing that? Also, I need to fit into my grad outfit. I'm actually overweight. No say that i'm just big, because this is not the case. I'm fat people. Don't bother me with that hippy BS that i'm not, because it will make me punch you, and it will hurt. Plus, there's the whole date thing. First off, if one of you says just ask someone, again I will hurt you. I don't any single girls willing to go out with me! Not that going single is a bad thing, but it does make dancing with someone a whole lot harder if their boyfriend keeps trying to cut in.
You I find it kind of weird that people always tell me i'm such a nice guy and i'm going to make some girl happy one day, yet those that tell me that can't think of anyone who'd go out with me. Example, last weekend at work me and one of the girls in electronics get onto the topic of dating. She was like, i've never seen you talk about going out on dates and such. How come? and I was like, well I haven't really met anyone that'll go out with me. Her response was, oh don't worry, your a really nice guy so you'll find somone. First off, saying that doesn't make it better. That actually hurts more than it helps. Telling a guy that he's nice and that he'll find someone only hurts them because it makes them realize that they're still single and they don't have anyone. In all honesty, I know two single girls at bt and I highly doubt i'll be asking them out any time soon.
I've lost confidence in myself. Anyone know how to get it back?
J-moose
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
The Weekend
Time for a new blog! I know, your all so excited and yet at the same time you have no idea what i'm going to say. What if I decide to make fun of the people who read this? Then what happens huh? Do you start some rampage and come egg my house? Or do you continue reading at the expense of being made fun of? Quite the connundrum eh? Yes, Canadians say eh, so get over it.
Ok all jokes aside, we know I wouldn't make fun of anyone unless I had their permission to do so. It's just not right. Besides I keep getting told that i'm a nice person and I wouldn't want that changing anytime soon. Well since it's the long weekend here in Canada, I might as well talk about what i've been up to. Let's start with friday night. Now as most of you know I go to youth group on fridays because i'm cool like that. Of course thats always subject to change, especially when I get to go out with KRISTINA! Yes, friday night a bunch us went out and celebrated the birth of the beauty known as Kristina Graham. The night started out at Jack Astor's where I indulged myself in my usual meal of a cheeseburger (yes, I only eat burgers when I go out to dinner. Most people have come to terms with it. It's not subject to change anytime soon. I apologize to my future girlfriend and her family. My eating habbits aren't the best). It was fun to kind of just relax and not worry about work and school for 5 minutes. As for a gift, well I can't really say i've changed much in that area. I've gotten everyone the same thing for the last 2 years. A card and 20$. I'm cheap. It was funny though, seeing the girls come in with their gifts in these nice bags, while the guys (excluding Eric) just had cards with 20's in them. Anyways, after dinner we ventured to Sobeys for a few minutes to see our friend Ashley. My friend Felicia works there as well and I kind of just talked to her while the others went to see Ashely. After that we went to Kristina's house for cake and movies. We watched Wedding Daze starring Jason biggs (the dude from American Pie) and that crazy chick from Wedding Crashers. It was pretty decent for a direct to home movie, although we had fun picking apart the scenes where the outfits change in a series of seconds yet they're still in the exact same place. Then I had to suck it up and be a man and watch a horror film called Untraceable. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but still I prefer a comedy or action flick any day.
So that was friday and it was pretty freaking awesome. Let's move on to saturday. Of course I had to work so that took up a good chunk of my day. After I got home at around 6:30 I changed and went on msn to see who was around. Within about two seconds of coming online Kayleen was talking to me, telling me that her brother and his friends were going through her room. We chatted for about an hour before we both realized that we had stuff to go do in town. She had to go to dollarama to pick some stuff up and I had been planning on renting a game for my wii (for those interested I rented Okami, and it's pretty freaking awesome). So we decided to kind of meet in town. I biked down to rogers rented my game and was about to head over to dollarama before I realized that I had no cash left on me. I dashed over to TD and took out a twenty. Now as I was doing this I heard this weird singing coming from what I thought was the ATM. My first thought was, "Cool these things play music now! I've gotta come here more often". Then I quickly realised that it was my phone and it was Kayleen trying to call me. After figuring out where I was she came over in her car and we decided to go for a drive around Ancaster. Of course before this happened we spent a good 10 minutes trying to figure out how to fit my bike in her car. After that fun we pretty much ended up driving into Hamilton after both of us yelling at one another "Where do you wanna go?" for 20 minutes because we had no idea what we wanted to do. After a while we ended up back in Ancaster and decided to sit and chat in Tim Hortons. It was great to just talk to her. She's one of the most amazing girls i've met in some time. The cool thing about her is, she pretty much feels the same about the dating world as I do. She's sort of got a bf right now, but she's trying to break it off. I keep telling her that she's already met her special someone and that he's just waiting for her to realize that he's there. She's a little skeptical about it, but I know she has. A great person like her, there's no way she hasn't. Sorry, i'm getting a little carried away here. Anyways, after we finished our hot chocolates she drove me home ( I should mention that she's younger than me and already has her G2. Shows how lazy I am at learning to drive).All in all it was a fun night.
That's pretty much what happened Fri and Sat. As for Sunday and Monday, i've fallen back into my routine of doing nothing, although i've been playing my Wii a bit. Anyways, thats it for now.
J-moose
Ok all jokes aside, we know I wouldn't make fun of anyone unless I had their permission to do so. It's just not right. Besides I keep getting told that i'm a nice person and I wouldn't want that changing anytime soon. Well since it's the long weekend here in Canada, I might as well talk about what i've been up to. Let's start with friday night. Now as most of you know I go to youth group on fridays because i'm cool like that. Of course thats always subject to change, especially when I get to go out with KRISTINA! Yes, friday night a bunch us went out and celebrated the birth of the beauty known as Kristina Graham. The night started out at Jack Astor's where I indulged myself in my usual meal of a cheeseburger (yes, I only eat burgers when I go out to dinner. Most people have come to terms with it. It's not subject to change anytime soon. I apologize to my future girlfriend and her family. My eating habbits aren't the best). It was fun to kind of just relax and not worry about work and school for 5 minutes. As for a gift, well I can't really say i've changed much in that area. I've gotten everyone the same thing for the last 2 years. A card and 20$. I'm cheap. It was funny though, seeing the girls come in with their gifts in these nice bags, while the guys (excluding Eric) just had cards with 20's in them. Anyways, after dinner we ventured to Sobeys for a few minutes to see our friend Ashley. My friend Felicia works there as well and I kind of just talked to her while the others went to see Ashely. After that we went to Kristina's house for cake and movies. We watched Wedding Daze starring Jason biggs (the dude from American Pie) and that crazy chick from Wedding Crashers. It was pretty decent for a direct to home movie, although we had fun picking apart the scenes where the outfits change in a series of seconds yet they're still in the exact same place. Then I had to suck it up and be a man and watch a horror film called Untraceable. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but still I prefer a comedy or action flick any day.
So that was friday and it was pretty freaking awesome. Let's move on to saturday. Of course I had to work so that took up a good chunk of my day. After I got home at around 6:30 I changed and went on msn to see who was around. Within about two seconds of coming online Kayleen was talking to me, telling me that her brother and his friends were going through her room. We chatted for about an hour before we both realized that we had stuff to go do in town. She had to go to dollarama to pick some stuff up and I had been planning on renting a game for my wii (for those interested I rented Okami, and it's pretty freaking awesome). So we decided to kind of meet in town. I biked down to rogers rented my game and was about to head over to dollarama before I realized that I had no cash left on me. I dashed over to TD and took out a twenty. Now as I was doing this I heard this weird singing coming from what I thought was the ATM. My first thought was, "Cool these things play music now! I've gotta come here more often". Then I quickly realised that it was my phone and it was Kayleen trying to call me. After figuring out where I was she came over in her car and we decided to go for a drive around Ancaster. Of course before this happened we spent a good 10 minutes trying to figure out how to fit my bike in her car. After that fun we pretty much ended up driving into Hamilton after both of us yelling at one another "Where do you wanna go?" for 20 minutes because we had no idea what we wanted to do. After a while we ended up back in Ancaster and decided to sit and chat in Tim Hortons. It was great to just talk to her. She's one of the most amazing girls i've met in some time. The cool thing about her is, she pretty much feels the same about the dating world as I do. She's sort of got a bf right now, but she's trying to break it off. I keep telling her that she's already met her special someone and that he's just waiting for her to realize that he's there. She's a little skeptical about it, but I know she has. A great person like her, there's no way she hasn't. Sorry, i'm getting a little carried away here. Anyways, after we finished our hot chocolates she drove me home ( I should mention that she's younger than me and already has her G2. Shows how lazy I am at learning to drive).All in all it was a fun night.
That's pretty much what happened Fri and Sat. As for Sunday and Monday, i've fallen back into my routine of doing nothing, although i've been playing my Wii a bit. Anyways, thats it for now.
J-moose
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