I've always found it odd when people make a statment saying "I realize that the person I used to be is not the one I wanted to be". Coming from my mouth it's even odder since I used to always promise myself that I wouldn't become someone I hated. It's funny though, because for a brief moment in time I found myself being happy. Yes, a word that never used to enter my vocabulary, yet for a time that word finally had a meaning behind it. No, I don't know what caused the change in myself for that time, but honestly speaking I wish I knew, because right now I could really use it.
People tell me that I don't do well with change. Usually it's not a personal change that worries me, but when something drastic happens i'm left to deal in my own way and as far back as I can remember it's always been difficult. For example, the start of highschool. I put on this front that made me look like I didn't care that I was somewhere new, that this place and these people didn't matter to me, because I didn't intend to make friends with any of them. You know why I did that? Because I was scarred shitless. I can usually keep my composure in most situations but at that point in time I wasn't ready to meet new people as I had only just met the people i'd known for 8 years for the very first time. Again, change and me don't bode, and that hasn't changed. I'm using the word change/changed a lot. I'll try to stop.
Anyways, the point is, within the next month I have to go through a big change. Graduation. Yes, if I pass all my courses i'll graduate highschool. You see once that happens, i'm going to be alone, and for me I don't think I can handle that again. Elementary school was hard enough being the loner, not that I didn't mind it some days, but highshool is a different ball park. The game changes when you go there. I don't have many friends to begin with, and lately I feel like i'm losing them already, and it's my own fault. I wish didn't have classes with them. I'm lazy when it comes to school. In every group project i've done with Felicia i've managed to screw her over and not come through. Always make me wonder why she still talks to me since i'm not even worth it. Why do people keep giving me chances? After one, I don't want anymore.
Then there's the grad dance. I'm still in the process of debating whether I want to go or not. It's stupid that i'm thinking like this, because I know i'm going to end up going, and i've told other people who are doubting going that they have to, and it wouldn't be the same without them. Most of you know I don't dance nor do I have any rhythm what soever, but if I go i'd just sit at the table all night and watch everyone else have a good time. And really, what's the point of going if i'm doing that? Also, I need to fit into my grad outfit. I'm actually overweight. No say that i'm just big, because this is not the case. I'm fat people. Don't bother me with that hippy BS that i'm not, because it will make me punch you, and it will hurt. Plus, there's the whole date thing. First off, if one of you says just ask someone, again I will hurt you. I don't any single girls willing to go out with me! Not that going single is a bad thing, but it does make dancing with someone a whole lot harder if their boyfriend keeps trying to cut in.
You I find it kind of weird that people always tell me i'm such a nice guy and i'm going to make some girl happy one day, yet those that tell me that can't think of anyone who'd go out with me. Example, last weekend at work me and one of the girls in electronics get onto the topic of dating. She was like, i've never seen you talk about going out on dates and such. How come? and I was like, well I haven't really met anyone that'll go out with me. Her response was, oh don't worry, your a really nice guy so you'll find somone. First off, saying that doesn't make it better. That actually hurts more than it helps. Telling a guy that he's nice and that he'll find someone only hurts them because it makes them realize that they're still single and they don't have anyone. In all honesty, I know two single girls at bt and I highly doubt i'll be asking them out any time soon.
I've lost confidence in myself. Anyone know how to get it back?
J-moose
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
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4 comments:
i may have an idea. but just an idea. see, i think the confidence ties in with what you were talking about with feeling you are losing your friends. jamie, you have to talk to your friends and stay close to them, even though it may be hard because they have significant others. what if you asked them to hang out, one-on-one without the significant other? and do something fun, you think of something instead of just having them pick something you both may find boring. if you re-connect with your friends then you will be able to have fun at the grad dance, because you will have people to talk to there instead of just sitting at a table alone! and who knows, maybe you will even have the confidence to dance! if i do remember correctly, i had you dancing for a brief little while on the boat cruise in new york. that is, before you had to save me from my little friend. but in all honesty, i think you just really need to re-connect with your friends, even moreso then you need to find a girlfriend. friends will always be there, but girls come and go. i think a lot of people our age lose sight of that by spending all of their waking moments with their significant other instead of with their friends. anyways.. that's my ramble for the day :P
all the best,
kay
Hmmm...
What I've come to realize about life is that the world around us is full of opportunities and this world should not be entered alone.
Just as Kay said below me, you need to stick close to your friends. Tell them exactly what you've typed out in this blog, and maybe they'll understand more of what you're feeling.
If you end up going to that dance, make sure you've got a pal who doesn't have a date either and just go with them. Not EXACTLY as a date, I mean don't ask them out, but just ask them to stay with you the entire time. That way if you begin to feel uneasy in any sort of way, you have someone to lean on and someone to cheer you up.
About love...and dating;
It all takes time, dear! You really have no idea what I was like before: I was a mess. I cut, I cried myself to sleep nearly every night, and I felt like just giving up on finding another. And guess where that got me? Nowhere!
You see, in this time of life, friends are pretty much what you need. Being mopey about being single may seem like the only thing to do, but there are other ways to deal with being "alone".
But love has a way of surprising you. Just when you think you're over longing for someone, opportunity will bite you in the nose. You will have someone. Trust me on that. The longer it takes, the more worth while it'll be in the end. My point being--
Don't go searching for opportunity.
Let opportunity come to YOU.
(I hope this helps. =/)
2 Timothy 4:16-18
hey j-moose dont worry you'll still have all of us
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