Bittersweet Symphony

Hello....I'm J-moose. And after a long absence I have decided to return. I don't consider the last few posts on this page real posts at all. A side of me just wanted to say that i've actually posted something on the site so it'll satisfy anyone who looks at it. Wrong! No, that's not what I intended this site to be. Me posting random videos of things I like. This site was meant to be about me, and every little thought that comes into my mind. When I first started it, I had all this reason to write and to get those thoughts out into the world. Now, it just seems like I've gotten so lazy that even when something thought provoking comes along I can't get it out.

Just now for instance, my mind kept telling me to listen to "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve. A beautiful song that I've never given much credit to. That's not what i'm here to discuss. The thing that i'm more concerned about is why it choose to make itself known to me now. I think it has to do with all the worrying i've been doing lately. Yes, I worry, quite a lot actually. I can hide it well, since i've done nothing but hide for years. It's quite a lovely talent. I'm looking at the lyrics for the song and after reading it over a few times I think I understand why I wanted to hear it. It's a song about life....life and how some people will be a slave to one road and one thing. Richard Ashcroft, the writer of this song, uses money as the one thing we concern ourselves with. "You're a slave to money then you die" Ouch..I may not be a slave to money, but I can't say i've never not been concerned with the cost of certain things, like college.

Then there's another line. "But i'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change". I think I relate most with this line. Jamie, J-moose, Jay, James, all different names i've been called for years, with the more prominent being Jamie and J-moose. It's hard to be one person. I try hard, more than people will ever know, to become someone likeable. I know when I worked at wal-mart I was this odd, rude, egotistical teenager who.....I can't even word it properly. How stupid is that? I can't even give an accurate description of myself. I still believe that to this day, Shelby wanted to slap me, more than she would have with Jared, and believe me she disliked Jared more than anyone. Then again, I could be completely wrong and just really paranoid.

When I arrived here at college, my biggest concern was, who should I be? There's tons of students here, some i'll never even meet, but for the ones I do, I still do not know who I will be to them. There are days when i'll be in a big group of people and I will have some random thought pop into my head, so i'll try to bring their conversation closer towards the thought in my head, just so I can say it. I feel odd when I do that. Jamie wants to keep his mouth shut, but J-moose wants to talk and never stop. My roommate is much more outgoing than I am, and he can meet new people no problem. That's a great quality in a lot of the people here, but it's not something in me. I can't do that. Going up to a crowd of people and saying "Hey" or getting involved in an ongoing conversation.

I feel energetic yet I know I have to sleep. I feel tired yet my mind says keep writing. It wants me to tell everything stored up in it since my last real blog, but I can't. I can't let people know everything..It would take away from the potential for future blogs.

Dirty enough I got me a love and it's so bad, it's so bad. Hello time bomb, ready to go off.

Pictures of You

I don't know if it's possible or not, but in the world of tv I guess almost anything is. I was watching the show One Tree Hill, something i've found myself doing as of late, and to my surprise, tonights episode struck a chord with me. The episode dealt with the main characters and some one off characters having to spend an hour truely getting to know someone. Of course as per tv standards someone ends up with a goth, another a firm believer in God, while some end up with people they already know and re-evaluate why they are friends. They are given 50 minutes to complete a list of things they must learn about one another, as well as a camera to take a photo of how they see this person. Naturally it's a whole life changing event for the kids of tree hill high, but the question that intrigued me was, is it really possible to change your life in 50 minutes?

What happens in 50 minutes? It's 10 minutes until the next hour, or 50 past the current. If you take a shower are you dry in 50 minutes? Can you lose a pound in 50 minutes or can you put one on? This episode showed me something that i'd forgotten about, high school people in particular. Despite the fact that everyone in my graduating class has already enjoyed one year of college or university, I still think some of them will apply to the labels that are given out to every student. My label? Loner. Yeah I had some friends, but I prefered my solitude most days. I hated highschool and most of the people in BT were either idiots or sluts. If I had the oppurtunity to spend 50 minutes with someone in that school, doing what the cast of One Tree Hill did, I don't know what i'd learn about them. Logically thinking, the shows actors have scripts they keep too, so of course their characters will reveal their deepest darkest secrets at the slightest whim. In real life, if I had to spend 50 minutes with one of the popular girls at BT, I would never tell them about me. It's not like they'd care enough to go, wow you so this way when I thought you were this way. Plus with the way students are at my school, someone would end up using the information to make you an outcast.

Fact And Faction.

J-moose

I'm A Legend In My Own Mind

No more pain...

No more pain...

If I gave up tomorrow would the world even care? I'm not leaving a footprint, i'm not doing my share. I've had my fill of people and the way hold themselves. If I was giving up on them, i'd have to ask myself. Did you make sure they were happy, do you know that they're okay? If I was giving up them, i'd have to run away. And I know, that this world won't slow for them. It's too easy i'm not worthy of their time, but it's harder to forget, words and pictures that we have, so I write this down instead. I'm not sure I can help you, i'll only bring you pain, this isn't what I hope for, it's not like i'm to blame. It started with a promise I made some time ago. I asked for a favour which I just can't forget. My happiness comes second, because theirs I can't forget. I told myself be helpful, make them never walk away. I'm not sure I can keep this up, it's not like i'm around that much, so easily i'm scarred. When I see them hurting, it's hard to not break down.

I'm sorry for their sadness and I want to ease their pain, but when i'm all alone at night, i'm just another face.

I didn't intend to write this, but I heard a song by Matthew Good that inspired me. It's kind of written to the beat of said song, so technically I can't claim this as my own. If you interested, the song is "If I were A Tidal Wave" It's an acoustic track, and his acoustic stuff is pretty deep sometimes.

D.O.A (Death Of Auto-Tune)

Thank you Jay-z. Fuck Auto-tune.

Same Shit, Same Person, Different Month

There's so much in this world that we take for granted...that I take for granted. I can't even begin to explain how much regret there is in this world. I'm regretful...hell i'm still stuck on living in the past. I'm one of those people that says "Maybe if i'd done it like this" or "I never should have said that". Days when regret comes to haunt you are the worst. Days when you feel that even when you act like yourself, your still covering up the real you. I hate acting like the real me. Everytime I do, I find myself saying things that make me seem so...incoherent. When I go to bed at night, I'm regretful of the way I act, and present myself to the world. There is no right way for me to be. There's the guy that has no life and wastes his time on wikipedia learning the stupidest things that have no relevancy towards anything. There's the guy that makes feeble attempts to try and be social and try not to be mean, but even he fails, because people still tell me they hate me (not even kidding, one of the girls at co-op legitimately said it and she doesn't regret it) and that i'm a jerk. Finally there's the guy that people get to know over time and somehow come to accept him, even though in the back his mind, he can't accept them for accepting him as it confuses the hell out of him as to why they do.

I believe that the world will fall under the weight of it's own ego. I believe we will be crushed by the power of our stupidity and ignorance. Why? Because we're so focused on winning something for our foolish pride that we can't see 10 ft in front of us. My eye look closed everyday, but I see what some people don't want me to. I appear like i'm not listening but I hear things and know things people don't want me to. You call me a snoop, but a snoop uses their information for personal gain. The day I give a fuck about someone I work with, I barely know, or will never see again, is the day I call myself "Castanza, lord of the idiots". George, fuck you and all you troubles. Not that I hate Seinfeld, but damn George is just annonying sometimes.

I love the world, don't get me wrong. But people need to learn where to draw the line. Girls who constantly believe Edward Cullen is coming for them, guys who think that by acting slick and greasing their hair will get them any girl on the dance floor. The husband who cheats on his wife, because "Everyone's doing it" or the wife that actually knows of her husbands filthy loins and doesn't care because she's got a job and house, why ruin it with a divorce. Give me one reason not to pretend like everyone else...someone has to have at least one, right?