The Eyes Have It

You guys ever have those days when you feel like nothing is going your way? Well for me those days turned into a week, and that week has thankfully ended. It seemed like one tragic defeat after another. I got really bad on some assignments, and by bad I don't mean 60/70 I mean bad. On top of that, I just wasn't digging my appearance, I mean I know i'm never going to be buff or jock like, but last week just seemed to show off my gut more than usual. Lastly, I was supposed to go to a concert Saturday night, which I had been pumped for, for a while. And, low and behold, that didn't happen either, and now i'm stuck $120 in debt and two tickets sitting on my dresser with no place to go. Aside from that, I had this strange but interesting thought come into my brain on friday night. I was suprised that I thought about it when I did, mainly because I should have been occupied with the life stories of Rich Plante and Uncle Bobby, two guest speakers at my youth group. Not to say that I didn't take their stories to heart because they definitely had an effect on me, but this thought kept occupying my mind.

When you look at somone what is the first thing that runs through your mind? Usually, I wonder what is going through their mind. When I see their face, I can tell if somethings troubling them, or their happy and so fourth and so on. There's a whole list emotions that I can usually pick up on. For example, when I see Kristina's face I can see the joy that she's about to bring where ever she is. On friday night that kind of changed for me. I was listening to these two men talk about their lives without God and how when they finally found him it was the greatest moment in their lives. In detail I heard about their trials and tribulations from their childhood ranging to their early 40's. When your hear those kinds of stories, your mind immeadiately thinks back to all the moments in your life where you've made a bad choice or done something you've regretted for years. As I listened my eyes drifted up into our youth pastor, Jay's. For a quick second I was in direct line with his eyes, and thats when it hit me. What do people see when they look at me? And for that matter do I look the same to everyone or I am viewed differently by everyone that I know?

It was weird thinking about it, and for a while my mind just kind of drifted off questioning what people see when they look at me? When I got home that night, I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror and I didn't really see anything new. Same 6 foot 5 J-moose, with acne on his face. Still I wondered what others see. Fast forward to work the next day. I was a little bit of a rush to get my returns done and start cleaning my department, since it looked as if a bomb had gone off in it. I was speeding down the action alley towards the bikes when I passed fellow blogger and friend, Klla. Usually we don't have a chance to exchange pleasantries since she's rushing towards the front to get to a register and i'm usually running around with Barbies in my hand, but 9 times out of ten we usually exchange a smile, which is just as good as a hello in my books. Anyways, we passed by one another and managed to see into her eyes for a brief moment, and again my mind immeadiately thought about the image portrayed to her when she looks at me. It's weird to think about that, mainly because she doesn't see me as often as everyone else I know, and usually the only chance we get to talk is over msn. You don't have to tell me Klla, it doesn't really matter, it's just the thought that intrigues me. But again, what goes on in someone else's eyes? Look at school life for example, you've got over a thousand kids cramped into one building, and each one of them has their own view on what that school looks like, and what each student looks like. It's hard not to think about how people see me, since everyone at BT has seen my face on the morning announcements, but do I look like that guy with acne making his nose look bloodshot red and a 6 foor 5 misfit, or am I just a voice without a face?

Whatever the case may be, I know when I look into a mirror I see a boy desperate to find his place in life. God knows where i'm headed, but unfortunately me and God have yet to get to know one another, and it's truly unfortunate. Jay Brock told me he didn't find God till he was 17. I'm 18 and I haven't found God, but I know in his eyes, i'm constantly changing, and thus a true image can never be revealed. Maybe one day i'll be able to see what exactly changed, but for now i'll keep questioning.

J-moose