The Truth Behind Brown Eyes

Something that i've found interesting with my life is the fact that it's never been too dull as to where i'd be bored with who i am, but it's never been to exciting to the point where it all becomes too repetitive. At the current time, having some form of change in my life would be pretty nice. I'm kinda bored with everything around me. It's pretty much the same routine every day. Wake up, go to school, go through 3 classes of which only two i like, come home, do homework, go to work, put away toys, come home, do more homework, go to bed. Of course there's eating and bathing within that, but i didn't feel they were necessary to add.

For all it's worth, i can't figure why i feel so bored. Usually it's because i hate something thats happening to me, or i've done something that i know i'll regret for the rest of my life, but this is something new. I think when i decided to change who i was, i changed the wrong part of me. No, i'm not going to go back to being completely ignorant of other peoples feelings and completely ignore everyone around me, i just don't think its fair to go on keeping that part of me locked away. That part of me is the part that wants to leave my hometown. No i'm going to go as soon i'm done writing this, but the idea is intriguing,

For as long as i can remember, i've never felt that i belong. In elementary school, I kept to myself, maybe had one or two people i'd call friends, but as the years went by, i was usually known as the loner. Within that time period of being the loner, I had quite a few self revaltions. For starters, most people will never realize that there's something good in front of them, until it's gone. I can't count the number of times something good has come into my life and i've just let slip away. I've also seen people i know (friends, work associates, and just people i've had one time encounters with) allow this to happen to them. They would be dealing with relationship problems, family issues, having fights with their best friends, and i'd just watch them destroy something good, because I never had the courage to speak up. Another realization was that no matter how much i wanted to change my past, i couldn't. To this day i've always had this fascination with going back and changing all the bad things i've ever done. Sometimes i'd even pray to God and ask why i would do things that hurt people, and i'd hate him because i never got a response. But when I looked at the big picture i realized that i hadn't been looking hard enough for his answers to my prayers. Some of the most simple things in life answer our personal questions, and people will never realize this.

The final realization i had, was that friendship is, as bad as this sounds, not the most important thing. I'm not putting down my friends in any way by saying this, but for what its worth, i've always felt that if was going to accomplish anything with my life, I need to be on my own. Believe me, I love all of you in many different ways, and i'm actually tearing up while writing this. For me to say that friendship didn't help me grow, would be wrong, but in many ways its the truth. Ever since I had my most recent revaltion (quite a few blogs back if you wanna go read it), i felt that the friendships i have, or at least a few of them, have lost their initial appeal. I think i know what has to be done. After i complete my "extra lap" in highschool, which would be next year, since i haven't graduated yet, i'm going to work full time, earn a little cash, and then go see the world. Maybe backpacking through europe, or something like that, but i have to know that there's somewhere else out there i can call my home. I'm opening this to any of my friends who are interested. If you want to discover something about yourself, the world, and learn about where you fit in, join me. I don't judge, i don't criticize....

J-Moose